Humorous and Lighthearted

Lately I’ve been feeling out of sorts a lot
How should I be dealing with this bug I’ve got?
My situation’s stressful, the treatments I pursue
None has been successful I should take a double dose of Y.O.U.
I’ve talked to my physician and my pharmacist
They say that my condition’s going to persist
Here’s their diagnosis, here’s what I should do
Ev’ry hour on the hour I’m should to take
A double dose of Y.O.U.
You are the tonic all the doctors prescribe
You are the potion they say I should imbibe
They seem so sure you are my cure
You and nothing more!
I have the symptoms they say you can address
Symptoms so great I’m suff’ring dire duress
It’s their belief, you’re my relief
What am I waiting for?
You’re the sole solution to my malady
I’ve come to the conclusion you’re my remedy
There’s no point in delaying, it’s time to follow through
Ev’ry hour on the hour I should take
A double dose of Y.O.U.

You’re unaccustomed I fear to hear what you’re going to hear
It’s not your fault, it’s just that you are you
You’ve never had to pay heed to what someone like me may need
So prepare yourself for a frank review
I wasn’t born to be one of your ‘ladies’
So don’t offer me the key to your Mercedes
Don’t come any nearer until I’ve made it clearer
If all you want’s what I know you do
Darling, all I need is all of you.
I don’t want your condo in Lake Tahoe
Or your weekend getaways in Monte Carlo
In spite of your insistin’ who needs Harry Winstin
I don’t need his rocks to get me through
Darling, all I need is all of you
I need your arms around me
In such a way that ev’ry day I’d know there’ll be no one else
Once you found me to entice you or tempt you to go
I don’t need your private beech in Saint Bart’s
Or your prize possession of those Beaux Arts
I don’t need one shilling to make my life fulfilling
If you think I do you’ve got no clue
‘Cause, Darling, all I need is this and nothing more
Baby, all I need is all of you.

I find that I’ve been looking at you inappropriately
I wasn’t aware that what I have stared at was unavailable to me.
Another’s laid claim to you, what a shame
It wouldn’t do for me to woo or to pursue you
That’s not my aim!
Please don’t think me rude, I don’t mean to intrude or exasperate you
I’d like to plead the right to proceed to interrogate you
For you leave me amazed, so dazzled and dazed
I must tell you, I’m compelled to ask this question you force me to raise:
Are there any more where you come from
Is any left in store where you come from
I know that it’s taboo to set my sights on you
But, are there any more for me?
I hope that you’re the first in a long long line
‘Cause I’m about to burst ‘till one of you is mine
What do I have to do to get me one of you
Are there any more for me?
Those dreamy eyes mesmerize and hurl me to heights delirious
You’re full of kicks, you’re the coolest fix, Sweetheart, this is serious
Are there any more where you come from?
‘Cause I would go to war to get me some
I’d swim to Timbuctoo to find a kind of you
Are there any more, are there any more,
Are there any more for me

You and I should try this song
We might get it right or wrong
We’ll never know until we’ve decided that we will
Take a chance on the melody
How ‘bout the tempo? Fast or slow?
We must be sure that we agree
‘Cause otherwise it’s no go
We’ve got to be in harmony
Before we start the melody
How ‘bout the rhythm? How’s it flow?
And is the meter fixed or free?
We shouldn’t start until we know
What works best for you and me
Before we start the melody
I’ve never had a song to do like this before
Not once, have you?
I wonder how we’ll make it through
Just look at the score!
It’s all so new.
How ‘bout the pitch? High or low?
And is it sharp or flat the key?
Does the bass take the lead
Is it the alto’s show?
Maybe we should just proceed
Why not start the melody?
Why don’t we begin, let’s jump right on in
Why don’t we just start the melody?

When I’m in the mood for something that will soothe or stimulate
It’s you that I depend on, the brew that I can count on to be simply great
I’m not a Keats or Shelley whose praise such prowess showed
Still I’d like to offer to you this humble ode:
Chamomile tea, you’re what does it for me
I drink you all the time
I’d lose my grip if I couldn’t sip
Your pure ambrosia so fine
Coke’s okay, so is Beaujolais
Mint julips I wouldn’t decline
I agree there’re thrills in two of three Bushmills
But nothing can quench like you, oh tea of mine.
Chamomile tea, you’re the tea that I’ll keep
I’ll serve you cold or hot
You guarantee ev’ry time that you steep
Potable bliss in each pot
Ginger beer I might quaff once a year
And Pimm’s my pals prescribe
I enjoy the pow’r of a Pisco Sour
But it isn’t as it is when you I imbibe!
Chamomile tea, you elixir of the gods,
You are divinely mixed
‘Cause as for me when my world is at odds
I come to you be get fixed
Pre or post, you’re the prandial for me
The potion, the nectar ideal
Pernot wont’ suffice, nor would Ouzo on ice
They’re no substitute for the way you make me feel.
Chamomile tea, my felicity,
You’re the only tea for me.

Stange, is it not, how change is begot?
From larvae to pupae, from acorn to oak,
All I suppose must metamorphose
Otherwise nature’d need mirrors and smoke!
I’m no exception to this natural rule
In fact, my friends, it’s kind of cool that
I’m that girl that boys wouldn’t play with
That scrawny girls that fellas wouldn’t stay with
Daddy told me “Sweetheart, don’t you worry,
Your day will come, don’t be in a hurry”
Daddy new somehow I’d be a late blooming gal.
Time went by and I wasn’t growing
I cried and cried ‘cause none of me was shoeing
Though I tried to offer some attraction
Other girls were getting all the action
But, Daddy was right ‘cause WOW
Fellas, look at me now!
You will see that what’s become of me
Has been a transformation, oh so sweet
Be aware that if you start to stare
The shock might knock you off your feet
Take a glance and you will be entranced
So much your eyes will pop out of your head
This baby doll was once a Raggedy Ann
And now’s a bonafide Barbie instead
Now, I’m that girl that boys want to play with
That grown up girl that men all want to stay with
Daddy told me, “Sweetheart, don’t you worry,
Your day will come, don’t be in a hurry”
Daddy was right ‘cause WOW
Fellas, Fellas, Look at me now

Ask me why I smile all the time
Ask me the reason I am beaming
You don’t have to pry, I’ll tell you why
Fellas, I’m in my prime
Fellas, at last she’s mine!
Ask me why my life is sublime
Why it appears that I am dreaming
No one could surmise my good surprise
Fellas, at last she’s mine
You have no doubt noticed I’m a prouder me
Wowed you’ll be when you see why
You will be astounded when you understand
Why this man is feeling high, so come on,
Ask me why my head’s in the clouds
Why all the world keeps on spinning
I’ve done something right, as of tonight
Fellas, she’s mine, fellas, she’s mine
Fellas, the lady’s mine

If I were younger, say, by fifty years
And seeking again what I sought back then
My search would be simpler now that you’ve appeared
‘Cause I’d know what I’d want, thanks to you,
My little friend
Oh, I’d want a girl who’s just like you
One who enchants me and charms as you do
Life would be grand with a girl like you
The thrill would grow and grow
I’d hold her hand till my days were through
And never let her go
You might exhaust me, confound me and cost me
And drain me of energy
When I pursue you I never outdo you
You’re clearly too much for me, Still,
I’d want a girl who laughs like you
And warms up the world with the light of her smile
Give me a girl who does the things you do
And of all the girls I’d know
She’d be the girl you’d find me clinging to
And I’d never let her go.

Who needs marijuana when you’re around
I achieve Nirvana when you’re around
Of friends I have a lot who think they’re thrills in pot
But, as for me, pot’s not my tea
I get so excited when you’re around
My cells are all ignited and the bangs abound
I’ll take a pass on grass ‘cause grass you far surpass
And as for weed, you’re all I need
Who needs marijuana when you’re around.
You’re my inspiration, you are the trip I’ll pursue
I’ve come to the realization, you turn me on, only you
Some try inhalation seeking their bliss in each puff
You’re my satiation, being with you is enough
Though many get their kicks in cannabis
When I want a fix I don’t’ plan on this
Rarely I find hope in any kind of dope
Why should I try when you are my high
Why incur the cost to vaporize
When it’s cheaper to get lost
Gazing in your eyes
Smoking Mary Jane for me is just in vain
A joint or two won’t do what you do
Who needs marijuana, who needs marijuana
When you’re around?

You must think that I’m addicted to the ‘paparazia’
That appears in each edition of People Magazine
You see me turn on Turner Classics spending endless hours
Gawking at the leading men on the screen
Well, it’s no reflection on you, it’s merely a pastime I pursue
You needn’t be jealous, I’m just overzealous with the men of Hollywood.
I’d love to love Clark Gable, but he’s gone with the wind
If he were willing and able by Rock Hudson I’d be pinned
And if I’d play my own way with venerable Lawrence Olivier
I’d love to love these Hollywood studs, but I’m stuck on you.
I’m kinda fond of Fonda, Henry not Pete
Maybe he’s no James Bond but Jimmy Steward is sweet
There’s Redford and Rooney, and who could refuse George Clooney
I’d love to love these Hollywood studs, but I’m stuck on you
Paul Newman is oh so human, him I prefer
Except there is Chalton Heston when he stars as Ben Hur
For Antonio Banderas those Spaniards they should have prepared us
I’d kick it off with these Hollywood toffs, but I’ll stick with you.
Oh, how it would honor me, not that I deserve a fate so fine
If some day Sean Connery whispered ‘be mine’
It would be a super thrill, certainly the best I’ve ever known
If Gary Cooper said ‘I will let you take me home’
I wouldn’t say ‘no’ to Bogart if he offered me a light
And Anthony Quinn is so smart, but his Greek’s not quite right
Tracey’s not racy, but boy does he drive me crazy
I’d love to love these Hollywood studs, but I’m stuck on you
Give me a go at Brando, DeNiro or Scott
I could show Al Pacino what make’s lovin’ so hot
Burt Reynolds, James Garner, the Douglasses major and minor
I’d kick it off with these Hollywood toffs, but I’ll stick with you
I’d love to love these Hollywood studs, but I’m stuck on you.

I was a fish living happily tasting the treats of the open sea
Nothing deterred me from going my way, swimming alone independently
All of my life I had lived like this, I was a fun-loving carefree fish
Never expecting that there’d come a day
A fate such as this could happen to me
That day I took the bait from you
I got hooked, hooked through and through
I swallowed it whole
HOOK LINE AND SINKER
My roaming days came to an end
They won’t come back, I can’t pretend
Just one look and I was hooked on you
That HOOK LINE AND SINKER’S irresistible lure
I can’t help but think your victory was pre-assured
HOOK LINE AND SINKER. Was it a game?
As for my future, my world has never been the same!
Ever since that fateful day I’ve been here and here I’ll stay
You can be sure I will not leave you
You have me mounted on your wall
Where all your friends can see me
Clear as can be
That HOOK LINE AND SINKER and me!

I’ve no degree in forensic art, but when I meet a girls who’s new
I can foresee what romantic part I should play on the path I’ll pursue
Sometimes it takes me a while, always I fin’ly succeed
Bur yours is a case I can’t reconcile, Girl, give me a clue
How should I be handling you?
My friends insist I have a gift, with each new girl I can tell
What amorous ploy I should deploy to bring her under my spell
I analyze her situation, then I adopt my strategy
But why now with you is it pure frustration
Girl give me a clue. How should I be handling you?
Should I play the Latin lover and strum my guitar?
Should I assume the casual cover of a Hollywood star?
Should I praise your boundless beauty or your intelligence?
What course would best suit me? When can I commence?
I spend all day and half the night this myst’ry trying to solve
It won’t go away, I’ll get in right, this puzzle I will resolve.
What is the secret I require to make you surrender to me?
What is the one thing that you desire. Girl, give me a clue.
How should I be handling you?

If I meet a man who wants to try his hand
At romance with me
I’ll willingly conceded and let him take the lead
In the dance with me
But before he starts to woo, I’ll make it very clear
I’m no ingenue, and there’s something he must hear.

Listen, Buster, listen, Sweetheart,
How I respond is all up to you
You can charm me, you can cheat me
But, I am a woman who knows what to do.

Listen, Gorgeous, listen, Shnookums,
Here’s some advice to keep entre nous
I’ll be tough or I’ll be tender
But, I’ll be a woman who knows what to do

If you treat me sweetly, treat me real nice
I’ll reward you, you won’t forget.
But, if you’re really nasty, you’ll pay the price
And rue the day that you and I met
You’ll discover one way or another
I am a woman who knows what to do

Hear me, Romeo, hear me, Darlin’
You choose the future that I share with you
If you’re friendly, or if you offend me
I am a woman who knows what to do.
I can make you feel like you’re in Paradise
If you’re kind and gentle with me
But if I catch you veering from virtue to vice
You will know how Hell’s gonna be!
You’ll discover one way or another
I am a woman who now what to do.

I’ve been thinking long of late
I’m not the independent soul I’m thought to be
I’ve concluded this about my state
It’s with you that I ought to be
I can get by without a dime to my name
I would survive I’m sure
I might not thrive or my life be the same
But, I’d still be fine, just poor!
I’ve suffered many setbacks
And always I’ve made it through
So, I can go on no matter what I must do
But, Baby, I can’t get by without you
I’ve grown attached to all you are
No one can match you, not by far
I’m so used to having you with me
The fate waiting me can’t be more clear
It’s not up to me, so it appears,
It’s up to you so
Tell me what to do to get you to stay with me
I am prepared to withstand any storm
Earthquake or hurricane
No matter where or when troubles may swarm
You won’t hear me complain
I’m used to tribulation travails and trials too
So, I will succeed, but I do have one need
Baby, I can’t get by without you.

I can tell, I can tell, she is near
‘Cause suddenly somewhere inside me
An overwhelming hunger is stirred
One I can no longer deter
I know well it’s that spell she has spun
That wears down my heart and tears me apart
Ev’ry time she is here.
The die has been tossed, my bearings are lost
All because, all because she’s near
See how my pulse accelerates, it won’t slow down,
See how my pressure elevates, it’s way out of bound
Surely there is something I could take
Something to settle my nerves
My life, my love, my future are all at stake
So much depends on me now!
The signs are all suggesting I won’t succeed
In this encounter with her
Still there is no question I must proceed
What I don’t know is just how.
I can tell, I can tell she is near
The atmosphere is paralyzing
How shall I behave when she is here?
What do I do and say when she appears?
I know well, all too well, when she comes
I’ve got just one shot to give what I’ve got
This foolish fate that I fear is I’ll lose my resolve
And simply dissolve
All because, all because she is near!

Why should I deny it, conceal or try to hide it?
No one should resent it if I’m a little bit male oriented
My proclivity will always be this way.
Granted my affections all slant in one direction
And I’m accommodating each time I find
There’s a fellow waiting
I don’t’ give a fig to what prudes and prigs may say
That’s why:
If I were an apple hanging on a bow and you wanted to hang there too
Just for you, I’d slide over, over for you
If I were a one-man kayak drifting down the sound near Nayak
Just for you I’d become a canoe and I’d slide over, over
As a fly on a tape, though I couldn’t escape
I’d slide over for you.
If I were a solo in a symphony I guarantee for you, my Pet,
I’d be a duet and I’d slide over, over for you
If I had the lead in this year’s Derby race and you wanted to have first place
I’d share my space and I’d slide over
As a hole in Swiss cheese if I thought it would please
I’d slide over for you.
Lest you think I’m altruistic with motives of a mystic
Be aware that I’m just normal and things, well things could eas’ly go thermal
So go cautiously if you choose to be involved
‘Cause what I have in mind is a certain kind of kindness
Understand what I’m espousing is a plan that can be mildly arousing, so
Sweetheart know that I am so resolve.
If I were a mountain peak with jagged rocks and icy sheets, to none but you
I’d give a peak of my view and invite you over, no one but you
If I were a pillow lying on a bed and you wanted to lie there too
I’d not refuse any spot you’d choose, If I lived in a tomb
Just to give you some room, I would slide over for you.

I’m a belt without a buckle, a shoe without a lace
A love seat that seats one too few
I’m a mortar with no pestle, a clock that has no face
That’s what I am without you
I’m a Tracy with no Hepburn, a Jack who’s go no Jill
A picture window with no view
I’m a market with no upturn, a sculptor with no skill
That’s what I am without you
I was so convinced, it was oh so clear
My world was complete, I had no need
But now ever, since you first appeared
All I can do is concede that
I’m a bucket with no handle, a thesis with no theme
A lunar launch without a crew
I’m a cake without a candle, a coffee with no cream
That’s what I am, that’s what I am
That’s what I am without you.

I’m in the dark about you
I’m in the dark about you
First you tease me with a ‘yes’
Then torment me with ‘no’
You kiss me and caress me
And tell me to go
You treat me real nice
Then your defenses you drop
And there at Paradise
You tell me to stop
You get me completely confused
I’ll be that you’re secretly amused
‘Cause you mess with my emotions
When such fickleness you show
You’re as warm as wool pajama and as frigid as snow
I get a little bolder as the ice begins to thaw
But your shoulder gets colder the nearer I draw
Oh, I’m in the dark, I’m in the dark
I’m in the dark about you.
Lately, my friend, my life’s been a mess
And you, you tease, you’re the cause,
Let’s put an end to the strife and the stress
Take me, please, off pause
I’m in a stew about you
What do I do about you?
‘Cause each time I read your vibes
All your signals are mixed
‘Twixt ‘try’ and ‘don’t’ try’
I’m stuck in the ‘twixt’
Your eyes say ‘come here’
And so I eagerly persist
But, something’s not clear
My lips you resist
Oh, I’m in the dark, I’m in the dark
I’m in the dark about you
I’m so perplexed about you
Don’t know what next you’re gonna do
First you tease me with a ‘yes’
Then torment me with ‘no’
You kiss me and caress me
Then tell me to go
Oh, I’m in the dark, I’m in the dark
I’m in the dark about you

I was a dullard ‘till I found you
My life was lacking joie de vivre
Days were all colored in a humdrum hue
Nothing could my boredom relieve
Then you came by way, now all I can say is:
If I can’t have you
And those Paris nights, the glam’rous glitz
The Concorde flights, the Saint Mauritz,
Then I’ll have to get by, I’ll just have to get by
On champagne
Don’t know what I would do
With no getaways on Schooner ships
No languid days or moonlit dips
I would probably die, but I’ll try to get by
On champagne
Once you have been with a goddess
No other body’s worthy of compare
Once you have flown on Icarian flights
No other flights give you thrills
After you’ve sample Ambrosia
Ev’ry thing else is ‘vino-ordinaire’
After you’ve scaled vertiginous heights
All other heights are just hills.
If I can’t have you
That sure panache, that pleasing sent
Those eyes that flash, those lips that tempt
Then my life’d be so dire, I’d most likely expire
My world’d be so plain
How would I survive without your quirks
That savoir faire, those fireworks, I’d soon despair
There’s only one thing to do
With a magnum or two
I’d have to bet by on champagne!

I’m in the dark about you
I’m in the dark about you
First you tease me with a ‘yes’
Then torment me with ‘no’
You kiss me and caress me
And tell me to go
You treat me real nice
Then your defenses you drop
And there at Paradise
You tell me to stop
You get me completely confused
I’ll be that you’re secretly amused
‘Cause you mess with my emotions
When such fickleness you show
You’re as warm as wool pajama and as frigid as snow
I get a little bolder as the ice begins to thaw
But your shoulder gets colder the nearer I draw
Oh, I’m in the dark, I’m in the dark
I’m in the dark about you.
Lately, my friend, my life’s been a mess
And you, you tease, you’re the cause,
Let’s put an end to the strife and the stress
Take me, please, off pause
I’m in a stew about you
What do I do about you?
‘Cause each time I read your vibes
All your signals are mixed
‘Twixt ‘try’ and ‘don’t’ try’
I’m stuck in the ‘twixt’
Your eyes say ‘come here’
And so I eagerly persist
But, something’s not clear
My lips you resist
Oh, I’m in the dark, I’m in the dark
I’m in the dark about you
I’m so perplexed about you
Don’t know what next you’re gonna do
First you tease me with a ‘yes’
Then torment me with ‘no’
You kiss me and caress me
Then tell me to go
Oh, I’m in the dark, I’m in the dark
I’m in the dark about you

We’re all alone, at last on our own
The night’s worked her magic
You’ve got me with your charms
I’ve got you in my arm
There’s nothing as fine as this
But, isn’t it time to kiss?
Let’s both enhance this budding romance
To see what awaits us
Why not take a chance
We don’t want to be remiss
Isn’t it time to kiss?
Your conversation’s thrilling
Your words are edifying
I’m feeling so inspired
Even so if you are willing
There’s something else worth trying
Something I’ve long desired
If I’m out of line
I hope you won’t mind
How can I help it?
Your lips look so divine
This moment we mustn’t’ miss
Isn’t it time to kiss?

People say I’m erudite, that arcane screeds I read all night
It must be so what they say, just so you know, I’m a scholar manque
My education’s classical, the Great Books I’ve amassed them all
My mind and these I can bend, it’s you, my sweet tease, I cannot comprehend!
I catch on to Cato, Plutarch and Plato and Plotinus
Spinoza I understand, of Euclid I’ve some command
I read with ease through Thucydides and Aquinas
But if my subject’s you, there’s little my mind can do
You’ve got that Je Ne Sais Quoi, that Je Ne Sais Quoi
I’ve met my teacher in Friederick Nietzsche and Wittgenstein
And as you might assume, I’m at home with both Hobbes and Hume
Though he’s highly rated I’ve penetrated Al Einstein
But when it comes to you, I haven’t got a clue
You got that Je Ne Sais Quoi, that Je Ne Sais Quoi
I grasp the main parts of Pasal and Descartes and Kierkegard
Copernicus, he’s a breeze, and so is Xenophanes
Chomsky and Burke require some work, I agree they’re hard
But, Baby, when you’re the text, I’m more than a bit perplexed
You got that Je Ne Sais Quoi, that Je Ne Sais Quoi

I’m a product of the times
A true consumer through and through
Of all the goods I seek and find
All I want I more
In ev’ry kind of merchandise
The quantity for me’s the allure
It matters not how much the price
All I want is more
I’ve ten watches that tell me the time
When Yuenglings I pour I pour more than four
On a dozen oysters I usually dine
On half shells or swimming in a stew
But all I need is just one of you.
I’ve got neckties, three or four score
Hanging behind my closet door
I admit that most I never wore
Still I want to keep at least a few
But all I need is just one of you.
For you, it’s you alone I desire
With you, there’s nothing else I require
You’re that one of a kind that stays stuck in my mind
So now let me tell you
That I’ve got girl friends on both of the coasts
And in the heartland even some more
I’m not bragging, it’s not a boast
These liaisons I’d undo
If all I had was just one of you.

Ev’ry hour we’re on the go
It’s always the same
Working hard to make some dough
In this bread winning game
But lately I have had an inkling
Of something we might do
Here’s the thought I’m thinking of
Let’s take a break and fall in love.
A life of endless labor
Is a life filled with stress
There’s no time to savor
All these passions we possess
Let’s consider all our options
And choose one we’d enjoy
I hope you’ll like the one
I’m thinking of
Let’s take a break and fall in love.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
Friday too
We never stop
‘Cause we’ve so much work to do
We need something, something diff’rnet,
Something new
Something that’s not work
That I can do with you
Morning noon and evening too the
Work never ends
If it does when we’re both through
There’s no time to be friends
So before we’re both exhausted
Too weary and too worn
Let’s let Cupid give us a shove
Let’s take a break and fall in love
Let’s take a break and fall in love.

Though I’m a rover who’s roamed the world over
Searching for sights anew
My journeys defy me and none satisfy me
‘Cause I’m not here near the nearness of you
Whenever I wander I’m less and less fond of
Those things that wand’rers do
Though I’m independent I find no contentment
When I’m not here near the nearness of you
Venus de Milo, Mount Kilimanjaro, the Taj Mahal
The peaks of Mount Ev’res, the skies in the Great West
I’ve seen them all
The Great Sphynx of Giza, the that tower in Pisa
The Cliffs of Moher, the Aga Khan’s Palace, the Auroral Borealis
And so much more
Maybe it’s noble being so global
I’ll have to think it through
But I get unraveled each time I travel
‘Cause I’m not here near the nearness of you
The Dutch and their dairies, Tibet’s lamaseries, the Catacombs,
Galapagos Islands, the Scots’ low and highlands are places I’ve roamed
These peregrinations from nation to nation
I’ve been inclined to pursue
No longer excites me, nor thrills and delights me
‘Cause I’m not here, ‘cause I’m not here
‘Cause I’m not here near the nearness of you.

Open this door and let me in
I’m asking once more you let me in
Let me back inside
I don’t understand why you accuse me
Why am I now just standing here
Just begging to be let back in?
What could I have done that you refuse me?
Just open up this door and let me in.
I promise you whatever I’ve done
I won’t do anymore
I get the message cloud and clear
Of this you can be sure
I’ll agree to any resolution
You’d have me accept
Before I’m worthy to be let back in
Go ahead and choose your retribution
Just open this door, open this door
Open this door and let me in!

I have a sister, older and wiser,
Life’s given her an experience I lack
She has advised me before I marry
I should consult the Zodiac.
She’s not a student who cares for affairs ontological
Her lot’s to be prudent and aware of those snares astrological!
And here’s what she says:
Libras all equivocate but they keep the peace
Leos tend to dominate but the good times never cease
Capricorns are okay if you like discipline
Virgos go things their way, so be prepared to give in.
But regardless what the star chart shows
Stay away, stay away from those SCORPIOS
Aries have a temper but they’re self assured
Gemini are fickle but at least you won’t be bored
And if you find you’re in a crisis and it’s precarious
Bind yourself to Pisces or Sagittarius
But take a tip from one who knows
Stay away, stay away from those SCORPIOS
Scorpios are flawless except for one small taint
As anyone who’s loved one will claim
They may be great sinners, or they may be great saints,
Either way it’s always the same
Whether their love’s profane or pure
All they want is more, and more, and more, and more
So, listen, Sister, take a tip from one who knows
Stay away, stay away from those SCORPIOS
A Taurus is financially the most secure
Life would be monotony, but, Sis, you won’t be poor
They say the moods of a Cancer are the scariest
Perhaps you’d find your answer in an Aquarius
But take a tip from one who knows
Stay away, stay away from those SCORPIOS
Scorpios are peerless in ev’ry attribute
Paragons of masculinity
But they have a habit no one can refute
Ask an old survivor like me
Though their love for you is sure
All they want is more, and more, and more and more,
So, listen, Sister, take a tip from one who knows
Stay away, stay away, stay away from those SCORPIOS

You’ve been torturing my heart, shame on you,
Better stop before I start blaming you
For adoring me so boringly
With your passionate poems and praise
When what I need so urgently’s
Not lyrical expression but physical affection
Shame, shame, shame on you!
I have had it up to here with your poesy
You may be the new Shakespeare, if so, woe is me,
Why can’t we two just agree to
Cuddle and coo and caress?
Why have you not got a clue that
Iambic pentameter isn’t what these arms are for
Shame, shame, shame
Oh, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame on you!
Suitors have cited their prose before
Charming and witty Lord knows they were
But they didn’t recite all through the night incessantly!
I’m not averse to your lit’rature, so finely rehearsed as it is I’m sure
But while I’m still awake, let’s take a break from your poetry!
You’ve have wasted precious time playing Cyrano
What I want’s not verse or rhyme, I want Romeo!
Your strategy might guarantee a Pulitzer prize or the like
But, for victory over me you should can the verbal antics
And be quietly romantic, shame, shame, shame,
Oh, shame, shame, shame, shame , shame on you

They say I’m somewhat crazy, maybe so,
They say that I should simply let her go
And they insist that I have lost my liberty
All because she’s got control of me
I know it’s true, but what can I do?
I’m in a quandary
I want release but she won’t leave me in peace
She’s got a grip on me
Each time that I endeavor to break away
She finds someway clever to make me stay
For her I may be nothing but another toy
One for her to play with and enjoy
When the mood moves her, when it behooves her
I’m at her beck and call
Like a fly on a tape I know I’ll never escape
She’s got a grip on me
I know I’ll be judged by the company I keep
But there’s no way I can budge ‘cause I’m in too deep
‘Cause ev’ry time that I attempt to split the scene
Somehow she’s able to intervene
Like a feckless moth circling a flame of fire
I’m a reckless fool, a slave to desire
In spite of all the many times that I’ve been burned
You’d think by now one lesson I’d’ve learned
I should stay clear when she whispers “Come here”
But that’s not my destiny
Though freedom I yearn it’s to her I return
She’s got a grip, she’s got a grip
She’s got a grip on me.

I can tell you’d like to know how your life would be
If I were to let you go and set you free of me
What would be the consequence? It’s simple to foresee
Basic’ly in all events, you’d be lost without me!
If you were a single man you’d live with a single plan
And it would amuse you to do as you choose to living like Peter Pan!
You’d smoke when you want to smoke, if you were a single bloke,
You’d swear as you please and wear dungarees and live on a catamaran!
If there were no vows to bind you and you had no heirs to rear
No one would ever find you, ‘cause you would disappear, if you were a single man!
If you were a bach’lor yet, you’d flirt with each bach’lorette,
And when you were through you’d find one who’s new
And go on as long as you can
If you were at liberty to be like you’d like to be
You’d sleep in your shorts and watch only sports and get by on beans and spam!
If there were no nuptial nexus to hold you in check each day
You’d be driving a Lexus and not a Chevrolet, no, not a Chevrolet
But, you’re not a single man, why can’t you understand?
Though you thinks it’s a curse, it’s better, not worse, that you’re not a single man.
If you were a wifeless chap, your life’d be an endless nap
Your clothes would be patched and nothing would match
Your head’d be attached to your cap!
If you had no room for a spouse, you’d never vacuum the house
Let’s face it, you’d forget your basic etiquette and walk about always discalced!
If I weren’t here to guide you, to show you how things should be
There’s no one there inside you to take the place of me!
But, you’re not a single man, it’s time that you understand
You might think it a curse, but for better or worse
Now you can see you’d be lost without me if you were a single man!

I couldn’t sleep last night
Someone invaded my dream
And kept me awake all night
Dreaming about my dream
Someone who looked a lot like you
So much that I think there’s a link
Someone who seduced me the whole night through
I couldn’t catch a wink.
I couldn’t sleep last night
Someone invaded my dream
I was there, lying there, about to doze
Waiting to fade into bliss
Just as I closed my eyes in sweet repose
All at once my lips received a kiss
Valiantly, all of me refused to yield
Oh, how I fought each soft caress
But such is the power of the charm he wields
That by dawn he had me shouting ‘yes’
I couldn’t sleep last night
Someone invaded my dream.

Here I am fresh out of school
Armed with diploma and degree
No need to show me, I know the rules
What can you do for me?
Here I am with a full set of skills
For any eventuality
I can cure your corporate ills
What I can do you’ll see
What can you do for me?
I’ve analyzed your situation
And recommend a remedy
Your problem’s poor communication
Hire me, I’m a whiz at I.T.
You need help in product branding
In marketing I was a star
If your employees are demanding
Make me V.P. of H.R.
Here I am ready to shine
With talent just ripe to be acquired
Watch how I boost your bottom line
Soon you may be retired
I can meet for breakfast at six
To tell you the way that things should be
There’s nothing I can’t easily fix
What I can do you’ll see.
What can you do for me?
Modern theories clearly’ve shown us
How to maximize return
Offer me a sign on bonus
And I’ll download all I’ve learned
Here I am fresh out of school
Armed with diploma and degree
Here I am, I’ve got all the tools
What I can do you’ll see
What can you do for me?

Tell me, Mrs. Jones, Tell me, Mrs. Jones,
I hope you won’t object if I inquire
Your dinner’s very fine, the soup, the fruit, the wine,
Julia Child would sigh
But what’s the recipe for this feast you’re feeding me
What’s in this pie?
What culinary trick did you decide to pick
To whet my appetite with such desire?
Is it the cinnamon that’s making my head spin
So high in the sky?
The room is all aglow, so I would like to know
What’s in this pie?
Because with ev’ry slice I feel so nice, much better than before
Although I’m undeserving keep on serving, I’d like some more
Of this tempting treat so teasing and tasty
What a feat, what’s in this pastry?
Tell me, Mrs. Jones, tell me, Mrs. Jones,
I won’t reveal your secret if you share it
What ingredient can cause such merriment,
Is it something I can buy?
My mind’s a little bent by its aromatic scent
What’s in this pie?
Allow me to assert I’ve never had dessert
That manifests such noble zest and merit
You say you can’t explain the myst’ry it contains
I don’t’ mean to pry
But, should I understand it could be contraband
What’s in this pie?
Because with ev’ry slice I feel real nice, much better than before
Although I’m undeserving keep on serving, I’d like some more
Of this tempting treat so teasing and tasty
Who’ll believe it’s only pastry?
Listen, Mrs. Jones, listen, Mrs. Jones
On second thought I think I’ll reconsider
The meal’s been a delight, I’ve enjoyed myself tonight
This I can’t deny
But the way these things may go, it’s better I not know
What’s in this pie!

When I’m good and ready you’re gonna know
Till then I’m stayin’ steady, stickin’ to ‘no’
I’m not in a hurry, but, Baby, don’t you worry,
When I’m good and ready you’re gonna know.
I’m anticipatin’ that glorious day
And it’s worth the waitin’, worth the delay,
Don’t waste time despairin’, better start preparin’
‘Cause when I’m good and ready, you’re gonna know.
Probably you’re meant for me, I’m not sure,
So hold your horses
What you seek so eagerly’s premature
Control your forces
But don’t give up, the day will come
When I’m good and ready, when I’m good and ready
And you’re gonna know
Focus on our future and then maybe
Dreams of me may suit you’re your fantasy
Use imagination to soothe your desperation
‘Cause when I’m good and ready you’re gonna know
Sure I want you, all of you, and right now
I don’t deny it
But we can’t do what we want to, no, no how
So let’s not try it
But don’t give up the day will come
And then when I’m good and ready
When I’m good and ready
You’d better be ready too!

Oh the day is done and it’s sure been fun
Spending ev’ry single hour with you
What a shame you have to go
If you chose to I’d be dispose to
Repeat it all tomorrow with you
But we can’t if you go
There’s a solution I know:
Why don’t you stay here this evening
Why don’t you spend the night with me?
You can sleep in my bed, I’ll sleep on the sofa
It’s quite all right, just spend the night.
you can share my brand new pair of peejays
They may be large but you won’t care at all
You’ll be safe and cozy, nothing will disturb you
For sure not me, I guarantee.
Why don’t you spend the night with me
And when daylight climbs through the window blinds
I’ll arouse you from your slumber and say:
“Time to start a new day”
And when you awake then we’ll both partake
Of a tasty little treat I’ll have for you
With our café au lait
All of this if you stay.
Why don’t you stay here this evening
Why don’t you spend the night with me?
Nothing’s going to happen, I’ll be on my best behavior
So, have no fear and stay right here
Why don’t you spend the night, spend the night
Spend the night with me?